Does this look familiar to anyone else?

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Teens say the darndest things.

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p. m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

How many times do you blink in a minute and four seconds?

One of the most anticipated events in all of comedy is the State of the Union address. It is amazing the amount of great material they can get out of that. My favorite bit by David Letterman from after the speech was the Cheaney/Pelosi blink count. Watch it. It's hilarious.

Want to be on Jeopardy?




Jeopardy is running an online test to look for contestants on January 23-25. Anyone can register to see if they have what it takes to be the next Ken Jennings.

"...and the darkness has not overcome it."



There is a light bulb in the Livermore-Pleasanton Fire Department in Livermore, CA that has been burning since 1901! I caught it on a rerun of Mythbusters last night. If you don't believe me check out the webcam. It is very stimulating!

What American accent do you have?

See. Not all southerners talk like hicks!

Your Result: The West Your accent is the lowest common denominator of American speech. Unless you're a SoCal surfer, no one thinks you have an accent. And really, you may not even be from the West at all, you could easily be from Florida or one of those big Southern cities like Dallas or Atlanta.

Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

The Amazing Cooking Priest!



A good priest friend of mine (he concelebrated at my wedding) from the Baltimore area is starting a show on PBS called "Grace Before Meals." He is an excellent cook, and the theme of the show is him going to families' homes and cooking dinner with them as a family. His purpose is to get people back to the family dinner table. Judging from the trailer on the website, it will be a cooking/family dynamics reality show. I don't know where you will be able to see it, but certainly check it out.

The world just keeps getting more wonderful!

The only problem now is which to choose: beer or wine?

And the best part is that this only reminds us how wonderful the married life is, because when we turn to the Word that our gracious God has given us, we remember:

“Wine and music please the soul, but better than either, conjugal love.” – Sirach 40:20

What if Noah was here today?

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Kevin Spacey as St. Benedict





The pictures of the saints that were included in the Lives of the Saints book that I had when I was little have forever been burned into my mind. Today I came across the same picture of St. Benedict that was in that book, and it reminded me of something. I have always thought that this picture of Benedict looks a lot like Kevin Spacey. If anyone out there ever feels like making a movie about Benedict, I think you have your man.

Wife Carrying - This is Getting Serious.


This is one of the best things I have ever seen, and it's just the thing to re-re-restart my blogging career. Here's an except from the authoritative site on the subject, and watch out for those crafty Estonians!

" Tired of football, basketball or other boring sports? Well, come to Finland for the ultimate world sports event: The Wife-Carrying World Championship.

In 1992, the people of Sonkajärvi decided that it was time to revive some long-forgotten traditions: back in the late 1800's there was in the area a brigand called Rosvo-Ronkainen, who was said to have accepted in his troops only those men who proved their worth on a challenging track. In those days, it was also a common practice to steal women from the neighbouring villages.

So that's how this small town in central Finland became the focus of attention of world media and sportshusbands and wives. From year to year a large number of competitors, public, and media from Finland to Canada attend the annual Wife-Carrying rendezvous in Sonkajärvi, doubling the population of the town for the weekend.

The Wife-Carrying World Championship is becoming increasingly popular. If he were alive today, old Rosvo-Ronkainen would have faced tough competition from husbands from as far away as Estonia, Norway, Ireland, or the United States of America. And being fit would just not be enough for Rosvo's troops taking into consideration that qualifying Wife-Carrying competitions are already being held in Estonia, Sweden, Denmark, the USA, and South Korea..."

Also on: ESPN, Wikipedia,

The dreaded "Estonian style carry" - dominating competition since 1994:

It's time to start looking even more awesome in your Catholic masculinity!

Lionheart Apparel is a new Christian men's clothing company. It was founded by Tarek Saab, a contestant from the Apprentice, and a Catholic U graduate. His products are t-shirts and hats with Christian symbols as logos.

Besides clothing, the company's website has other points of interest.

The "Man of the Month" is currently a musician named Creede Williams. This part of the site includes an interview with him about stayin faithful in fame, and samples of his music.

In the "Lion's Den," each Sunday "features an article from notable Christian men on topics related to Christian manhood." This week's is "Memory or Manhood?" by Kevin Vost, Psy.D.

It is definitely worth checking out.

It's a small world after all!

My wife gets a Catholic parenting magazine from Our Sunday Visitor, and when her issue came this past Saturday, there was another copy sticking to it. When I looked at the name and address on the second issue, I immediately noticed that it belonged to the mother of one of my students. Now this might not seem like much of shock at a local parish school, but seeing that my school is a boarding school, and the other family lives an hour away in a town of 80,000 people, it was a little more striking.

It is amazing to me how small the world of the Catholic Church is. Things like this actually seem to happen fairly often. People say that we can be connected to anyone on the planet within six degrees, but I think it has to be even closer in the Church.

The New Numa

If you don't know about Gary Brolsma and the Numa Numa dance, you are missing out. This video became extremely popular during my senior year of college and the singing and dancing of it at my wedding dance prompted our DJ to say, "I have never seen a group with this much energy!"

Anyway, Gary is back with a website and a new video, which is not nearly as funny, but considering how embarrassed he was about the first one being seen by millions, it is nice to see him back in the saddle. He deserves to profit from it.

How's this for a fish tale?

Win one for Il Papa!



For the Catholic baseball fan, this post and video from the Holy Whapping is a can't miss! After all, he did start the Vatican sports department!

Waht's taht?

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Would you trade $10 for a drawing of a $10 bill?



I just saw J. S. G. Boggs in National Geographic. He draws very realistic pictures of currency, and tries to convince merchants to trade his art for the corresponding amount of service. He then gives the receipt to art collectors who often track down the drawing and trade it for thousands.

Free money from an ATM!

I guess this is the same principle as the Arizona voting lottery, although not as risky.